Why Don't We Listen Better?

Petersen, James C. 2007. Why don’t we listen better? Communicating and connecting in relationships. Tigard, OR: Petersen Publications

“To every one of you who wants deeper connections with people, to get along better with them, and to do what you can to enrich their lives. To those of you who listened to me with a challenging acceptance. It touched me, grew me, and held me together. To all of you who let me in on your lives – your struggles, your failures, and your successes…And for all of you: May you not only listen to those around you, but hear them in a way that encourages creativity, collaboration, and growth. May your footprints always lead others on paths of love and justice” (v).

In Dr. Petersen’s dedication, he communicates his desired outcome of all those who read Why Don’t We Listen Better (2007). Good, healthy, communication skills is the key in trying to connect and relate with people. More a manual than a book it is “designed to be read in short sections…you can revisit pieces you want to focus on” (8). The book is also a journey of self-discovery. After many years of using communication techniques, Peterson still revisits the material to “rethink” (8) how he relates to others.

The concept of how communication evolves is represented by three centers of our body, our brain, our heart and our stomach. Each represents a part of the communication process where our words are visible and discerned by the listener. The brain is the thought area of our speech. It is where we formulate what words we use and how we use them. The stomach is our emotional area. What emotions are we trying to communicate? The heart is where it all is put together and we speak. A balanced communicator can take thoughts and emotions and meld them into helpful productive communication. A disproportionate blend of either too much brain or too much stomach creates flat-brained syndrome where it is all emotion and no thought, or the flat-brain tango, all thought no emotion.

The Talker-Listener Process is the key to creating an environment where two or more people can talk and listen to each other well promoting a healthy communication atmosphere. The Talker Listener Card, (TLC), can help those who want to improve their ability to interact with others and communicate better, especially the listening aspect.

Its design is crafted to be a helpful reminder of the roles of the Talker and the Listener. The TLC can be folded into a tent shaped stand with the sides of the tent facing two people who are trying to communicate. It helps with clear description, goals and actions of each in the communication process. The TLC is like a traffic light helping the individuals facing the card to understand what they need to be doing at that moment depending on whether they are the Talker, or the Listener.

The book moves onto developing good communication skills using honest authentic listening techniques Petersen offers. We can start by avoiding the traps listeners often fall into when faining their interest in another’s words. There is a whole section filled with helpful suggestions in employing good questions, body language and appropriate comments to keep us engaged with each other. The author also offers advice on helping us understand the communication process in stressful and unusually difficult circumstances.

Petersen’s premise: to continually learn to listen better making communication a relationship building opportunity for everyone.

I was born to talk. Whenever I am communicating with someone, I make sure that everyone in fifteen minutes or less knows all about me. They will know anything and everything I know about almost anything and everything and exactly how I am feeling at any given moment. Every personality test and performance evaluation, I have taken comments on how I could learn to listen better.

Reading Petersen’s book was painful because it reminded me not of how far I have come but the underlying need in my own personal life to continue to learn to listen better. I have a great capacity for empathy and spiritual gifts that exemplify the potential of being a good counselor and pastor. The underlying need of trying to shut up and listen keeps me from being a great minister to people.

What I did understand and absolutely embrace was the concept that we are complex beings and talking is a huge part of how we express ourselves. I become dysfunctional in my capacity to communicate well, when I listen little and talk a lot. I will continue this pattern if I do not bring good communications to bear on my life.

We laugh now, but a dear friend of mine still talk about our first meeting. After introductions, we, (I), started to talk. I am not sure how long we, (I), talked before during a momentary pause in our, (my), conversation he said, “You know I think I know more about you in the past little while we, (you, Michael), have been talking, than I know my wife who I have been married to for eight years.”

Ouch! Said with grace and still very good friends after all these years, am I better than twelve years ago? Yes! Have I perfected the art of listening? By no means whatsoever!

Petersen’s book reminded me of the potential consequences of not listening well. It also explained some of the flat-brained syndrome and tango moments in my life.

The most penetrating truth is how it interacts with Hawkins’ counseling model, specifically what I believe to be the most important part of the counseling scenario, the preparation, experience and education of the counselor. How can a counselor be successful in treating, helping and offering hope to those in need if he cannot develop the most important of all skills in the counseling arsenal, listening?

Having struggled a lifetime in the area of becoming a better listener, Petersen’s techniques were good and they are listed to help us understand some of the environments we might face and how to listen well.

The preparation process compliments the TLC by the ability I have to analyze my personality and experience as well as to understand my immediate mood and feelings. Knowing more about the brain, stomach, and heart functions in communicating helps me to clarify my thinking and understand my immediate emotional disposition. This in turn helps me become more of an authentic communicator/listener and builds confidence in me in the process.

The last and most profound truth found in the book is how Petersen is still learning. Saying he reviews these principles often to continue to be a better listener offers hope for me and others to know this life long journey of learning and communication growth is effective as long as we are aware of the need, the solutions available to us and the application of the truth of these principles.

After reading Petersen, I want to write and journal my experiences of reading this book and call it “I Now Know More About Why I Do Not Listen Better!”
A few things popped off the page in helping become better at listening, communicating and a better counselor. The first was the TLC. I am already using the TLC. When folded in my hand with the listener portion facing me it provides me with a tool to see my role in the conversation. The TLC reminds me of a conference I attended where the Native American talking stick was employed. Who ever held the stick could speak uninterrupted while holding the stick. Others could speak only when the one holding the stick gave up the possession of the talking stick. As long as I hold the listener portion towards me it helps me focus when I might be tempted to stop or stall the conversation.

The next part was the area of listening for the lull in the conversation; the talker seems finished or is thinking of something to say. It is in those moments that I can try to redefine what I heard, ask questions; when appropriate tell them something that helps them know I understand. Petersen says, “Listen awhile, talk until the other person stops hearing, and listen until the person calms enough to hear again” (5). Let the conversation be like a dance, a ballet where two are dancing sometimes in harmony or where the focus is on one dancer at a time.

A helpful implementing suggestion is given when conversing with a talker who is rigid in their communication. They use loaded, pressure words like should, ought to, have to, must, need, the only way, always, or never. Inserting ‘stomach’ language into the listening feedback can reduce some of the pushy quality and help the talker see what is underneath their language. These for me are awkward moments trying to get a talker to use a more balanced talking style. Using some of the suggestion given can help relieve the flat-brained syndrome atmosphere.

The last chapter speaks loudly to all of us in learning to communicate better, “Beyond Skill” (209). This last portion takes me past what is written to a place where I can develop a lifelong learning habit of trying to listen well, talk better and become more proficient at communicating. The traits mentioned empathy, genuineness, and warmth appear in every spiritual giftedness and personality test I take. Taking these qualities and making myself more therapeutic than thera-noxious, takes discipline and desire. Petersen’s advice echoes the advice

I heard long ago and still am trying to implement, “When you find yourself around people of influence, experience, and knowledge, ask two to three questions then shut up and listen to what they have to say…only interrupt to clarify what is being said or to go to the bathroom.”